Not a Monster
by agentromanoff
Summary: Agent Clint Barton is suffering terrible nightmares as a result of his mind being under the control of Loki. Only one person can see Clint for who he really is and that same person is the only one he needs to overcome anything. Clint/OC


**Just a one-shot based on the idea I had for a proper story but I wanted to post this first and see the reception it got before I published it's first chapter. It's a Clint Barton aka Hawkeye story with an original character Taylor Reynolds, based on the events after The Avengers defeat Loki but you'll understand that after reading! Hope you enjoy and feedback would be important in helping me decide whether or not to continue this as a story :)**

**Thanks X**

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I blinked a few times until my vision came into focus, looking once more at the clock on my bedside cabinet losing count of how many times I had checked the time since I had woken up at 3.00am. It was now 3.47am and I now accepted the fact I was wide awake and not getting back to sleep anytime soon. I sighed quielty to myself, trying to keep my noise to a minimum so I wouldnt wake the sleeping form behind me who had his arms tight around me, head buried in the crook of my neck. The only sound I could hear was the ticking of the clock and the steady breathing of Clint in my ear.

I was agitated at my inability to fall back asleep, especially when I had not been sleeping for long in the first place. I relaxed myself once more in a final attempt to let sleep overcome me, moudling my back into Clint's warm bare chest, breathing slowly to attempt drifting off.

3.56am. Damn it. I gently removed his arms from around my waist and climbed slowly from his grasp and onto my feet. Now standing by the bed I looked over my shoulder to ensure I hadnt woken him up, watching him groan and turn onto his back I realised he hadn't been disturbed. Lucky for some. I walked over my spacious room, located at S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ, to the small kitchen like area I had to live with.

I got myself a small bottle of water from my fridge and drank from it, leaning on the counter watching Clint across the room. I liked to watch him sleep, the peaceful look that covered his face was not a familiar one which graced him too often. It was a look only I noticed when he was sleeping or when he had a bow in his hand. It made me happy especially to see him sleeping with such peace though considering what he had endured the past few months. After being brought out of Loki's control and even after he was defeated he still suffered terrible nightmares disturbing his slumber, almost every night. I hated it. Waking in the middle of the night to hear him screaming in his sleep or to find him sitting up in bed staring ahead being deadly silent, his eyes filled with turmoil. Clint was always such a strong person and to see him so at war with himself and suffering in silence killed me. He would never want to talk about it. Every night when I woke to find him after having one of his nightmares I would sit with him, sometimes for hours at a time, calming him down until he fell back asleep, everytime refusing to speak about what happened to him. I knew Loki had made him kill innocent people under his control and he found it hard to come to terms with even though none of it was his fault. I knew there was more to it though, more he wasnt telling me. I tried to push those thoughts to the back of my head as I reminded myself how great it was that he had now found some peace in himself and was sleeping more regular and the night terrors were less occurent.

I placed the bottle on my bedside cabinet and climbed back into bed, hoping to get more sleep. I brought the sheet up to my torso and buried my head deep into the pillow. I pushed all thoughts from my mind as slowly I felt sleep creep up on me and I felt my breathing even out and became less aware of everything. Just as I felt myself letting go I was brought back once again as I felt a sudden jerk in the bed and a panting sound. I opened my eyes to find Clint had jolted up from his spot in bed, breathing ragged and a thin layer of sweat covered him. I knew what had happened, just when I thought he was improving. I sat back up on the bed and placed my arms around him,

"Hey, whats up?" I asked softly resting my head on his shoulder, already knowing the answer. I felt him relax slightly at my touch and his breathing became more even.

"Nothing," he sighed resting his head onto mine "Just go back to sleep."

"I was already awake, I cant sleep."I replied and leaned over to switch the lamp on at his side, "It was another nightmare, wasnt it?" I asked carefully, watching his face was any form of response. His face remained still and I watched him turn his back to me as he sat on the edge of his side of the bed and lowered his head, after months of this I still couldnt get used to seeing him this way. I got up from the bed and walked round to his side, kneeling on the floor to face him at eye level. I took his face in my hands and made him look at me,

"You cant keep doing this to yourself Clint," I said sadly "Talk to me, please." I pleaded my eyes boring into his while he continued to stare at me, but not properly look at me. He still said nothing and I sighed looking to the floor, my hands still on either side of his face "I cant stand seeing you like this." I whispered not looking at him and suddenly my hands were harsly removed from his face and I watched him get up from the bed, clearly agitated.

"What? And you think I can?" he yelled turned away from me "You think this is easy for me? Well I'm sorry but I cant stand it either." his voice still raised, with this I stood from the floor and walked over to him. I grabbed his shoulder and turned him to face me,

"Hey, theres no need to be an ass about this." I said now irritated at his sudden change in attitude "I'm trying to help you but you wont let me, you're shutting me out and theres nothing I can do to stop it because you wont let me." I cried at him, tears filling my eyes and his face softened as he seen the effect this was all having on me, "Why wont you let me help you?" I asked hurt in my voice trying to not let any tears fall. He reacted by placing his arms around me and pulling me close to him as I placed my arms around him too. I breathed in his comforting scent while he buried his face in my hair, running a hand up and down my back comfortingly. "Just talk to me," I sighed into his ear which he repeated

"I cant," he spoke his voice breaking "It's too hard." his voice sounding defeated

"How would you now? You've never tried." I replied breaking away from him to look up at him "Just talk to me, its what I'm here for Clint. It's killing me that I cant help you." I said, both my hands on his shoulders gently massaging them. "I know its hard but please try, for me."

"I keep seeing their faces." he finally spoke, that being his opening line. I had managed to get him back into bed, both of us sat up facing each other. He promised to try and talk as long as I was patient, after what felt like hours of waiting he had finally spoke and I kept my promise of listening to what he had to say. "Everytime I close my eyes its all I see. He had me kill agents, civillians, anyone who stood in _his_ way." his jaw clenched "I understand I'm an assassin and killing is part of my job but not innocent people, none of them deserved this." his voice was so low I hardly heard a word he said, he took his head in his hands briefly before running his hands over his face.

"Neither did you." I said to him and he looked up at me "You didnt deserve this either Clint, you need to understand you had no control over what you were doing, none of you did. This is way beyond our understanding, it could have happened to anyone." I said softly,

"But it didnt, it happened to me." he spoke quickly before I could say another word.

"Youre right it did, and like I said there was nothing you could have done, nothing. Dont keep doing this to yourself," I said shaking my head, as much as this was killing him it was killing me too, this was the man I loved and not being able to comfort him or make him feel better about this was agonising.

"But its not just that Taylor," he snapped but instantly softened once he realised how harsh his tone was, "You've just, no idea how it feels to have someone get inside your head like this, mess around with it, then even after when their done with you, you still have all these memories and thoughts that they left behind that constantly remind you what you did, what he threatened to do. You feel like a completely different person, I feel like a monster." every word he said sounded like a struggle and my heart ached at the sight before me, the terrified look in his eye and the pure fear on his face, it made me wonder if he would ever get over all of this.

"Clint, listen to me." I said moving closer to him, taking his face in my hands forcing him to look at me and I leaned close to his face "You are not a monster. You're right I dont know or understand how it must have felt for you to go through that but that is not who you are, that isnt the Clint I know." I said looking in his eyes the whole time while he looked into mine "The Clint I know is a good man, with integrity, respect and a big heart. You're not the monster, he is." I said my voice tensing as I said those last words, even though I had a few unpleasant encounters with Loki myself I still hated him most for what he had done to Clint. "And whatever thoughts or memories he's left in here, they arent yours." I was now seated as close to him as I possibly could, my arms around his neck and my hands running through his short hair. He let out a deep sigh as he closed his eyes letting my fingers run through his hair, he always liked it when I did that, he found it relaxing and comforting.

"You're right," he spoke up opening his eyes to look up at me "I just wish I could forget." he said sadly

"In time you will, just stop keeping all of this to yourself, talk to me and let me help you." I said leaning my forehead against his and he nodded

"I'm sorry, if this was the other way around I'd be furious at you for shutting me out like I have." he noted and I agreed with a slight smile

"Yeah, you would." I nodded and he looked into my eyes once again and brought a hand up to my cheek stroking the skin with his thumb

"I love you so much." he mumbled rubbing his nose against mine, making me smile. This was my Clint. I was the only one who seen him like this, he let his guard down around me and I seen him as a person, not just an agent the way everyone else did. I'd never felt this way about anyone before, and I was certain he hadnt either.

"I love you too." I replied softly with a smile and he placed a gentle kiss on the corner of my mouth before sighing again and leaning back, I looked at him with a frown.

"You're still thinking about it, huh?" I asked softly and he nodded without saying a word "Then you can keep talking, I'm here." I insisted and he responded by pressing his lips hard against mine in another kiss. I instantly kissed him back without a second thought and one of his arms snaked around my waist and his other hand behind my head bringing me even closer to him. His lips moved against mine and he took the first opportunity he had to slide his tongue into my mouth massaging mine with his. His kiss was so raw and forcefull it almost scared me, but I let him continue and kissed him back. I didnt fully realise what he was doing until he laid me down on the bed and climbed on top of me, this is what he had done in the past. Sometimes when he woke up and I tried to get him to talk he would instead kiss me and we would end up having sex. I wasnt sure if it helped him forget about what happened or if it was his way of stopping me from asking but either way the subject was avoided. I wasnt going to let that happen again, not when we had made progress already. I pushed him away from me causing him to sit up

"Clint no!" I said more harsh than I intended and I sat up with him "You cant keep doing this everytime I ask and hope it will go away." I scolded

"We've spoke about it, cant we just leave it now?" he asked looking away

"No, not when I know theres more bothering you." I sighed

"I dont think I can tell you," his voice became more shaky and low than before "I cant even think about it." he spoke sternly

"Why?" I challenged, now taking the cruel to be kind approach and he let out a frustrated groan

"Because of you!" he yelled at me and I shot him a confused look

"What?" I whispered and he looked at me defeated knowing that he had said too much and would now have to explain himself.

"He liked to play with my head. Make me see things, threaten to do things that even still drive me crazy just thinking about." his voice still shaky

"Like what?" I asked gently, almost afraid to hear the answer

"You." he simply said and I waited patiently for him to elaborate on what he had just said, "He would make me see you being tortured to the brink of death, he made it seem like," he paised and inhaled sharply "It was me doing those things. I cant get them out of my head and they drive me insane because I cant stand the thought of someone hurting you let alone me hurting you. I'd rather die than let that happen." he said the last statement coldly, the intensity of what he said too much for me to handle. I didnt say a word, I had no idea what to say. "You know I'd never ever hurt you, right?" he asked looking at me, taking me by surprise and thats when I noticed how much hurt there really was in his eyes, I couldnt even begin to comprehend what he was going through.

"Of course I do," I said without even a thought wrapping my arms around him "I cant believe you would even ask." I breathed and I noticed his eyes sadden once more

"I just keep seeing it in my head, over and over again and I dont know how to deal with it." he said voice breaking, it broke my heart. I pulled him into me, letting his head rest against my chest as I stroked his hair, letting him resume a normal breathing pattern and calm down.

"Its okay, I'm here." I soothed as I heard him sniff in an attempt to stop any tears from falling from his eyes. "I love you and I know you would never hurt me, you need to stop punishing yourself for something you havent even done." I said leaning my head onto his.

"I dont know what I'd do without you." he mumbled into my chest and I half smiled

"Well you dont need to worry about that, I'm going nowhere." I promised, I glanced over at the clock to see the time was now 5.42am and I sighed, now I was exhausted and I could tell Clint was aswell. "Do you want to try and get some sleep? We need to be up in a few hours so Fury can brief us on our new mission." I asked and he nodded puling away from my embrace. I watched his eyes fall on me once more and he leaned down to place a gentle kiss on my mouth, he pulled away and gave me a half smile and I returned it. And with that the room was in darkness as we fell onto the bed ready for sleep to take over us, his strong arms around me and I held him too in a tight embrace.

Tomorrow he would put his game face on as we will be briefed on our new mission and carry on as though there was nothing wrong with him, I was the only one who knew the whole story. Like I said, Clint was a strong person, physically and mentally. Except when he was around me, I was the only person who was able to break down all of his walls and see him for who he was, a human being. This job of ours required us to be like stone in some ways, we had to give nothing away and remain in control at all times, the way an agent should be. Even though it was Agent Barton I fell for, it was really Clint I was in love with. I would do anything for him and that proved to be my only weakness in more occassions than I hoped for. We were completely dependable on one another, which proved to be both our advantage and our weakness. I had no doubt that Clint would soon recover from his ordeal, it was all a matter of time and I was willing to give him all the time in the world.

I would do anything for him, just as he would for me.


End file.
